Aya

The week leading up to ceremony I participated in the dieta, which is basically a very low salt, low fat, vegan diet with no fermented foods. Oh, and no sex. That was tough because I’m in love and getting into my body with B and exchanging bodily fluids is definitely something we are both always interested in doing. We did well though. I felt very low energy all week, tired, kind of a low-grade headache…. just not great. I lost 5 pounds. Going into ceremony I just felt off, not in a bad way that would make me worried, just a little off.

I wanted to really heal my relationship with my body, so that I can be in my body and receive communication from it. I’m trying to heal some of the shame I feel around my body, sex, sexual performance and also around relationship. I was feeling a little insecure during the week too. We were at a beautiful location in Winterset on some property in an Air B&B. The first night I started with 3/4 cup, didn’t taste too bad, kind of like molasses, then to the mats. I didn’t really feel much from the first dose, there was a little something but it was so subtle I wasn’t sure it wasn’t just in my head, when the second dose came around I took it, and still not much was going on, a little more maybe. I was definitely getting information and some really light visuals, it felt good, but was mild. Third dose, same deal, a little deeper, but not too deep. I was getting in my head a little about the fact that maybe this medicine just wasn’t for me, and I also really just wanted B to be there with me, much of the communication the first night was about my relationship with B. There was a lot of really beautiful feelings about us, she is my partner, I really believe that. Some of the downloads I got were: We have so much to talk about, we have so much to feel, we have so much; Disconnection from my body; if we were going to lose each other would I still want to go all in here- YES; It doesn’t end, it changes.

At integration Saturday I was feeling a little envious of other people’s experiences and wondered if maybe Bufo had just made any other medicine journey less impactful. It was good for me to also acknowledge that I was sure going into this that my journey would be hard, another great insight was that this doesn’t have to be hard all the time to be valuable. I was missing B pretty hard, spent the day feeling a little underwhelmed and just wanting her there with me. On my walk I was also wondering if perhaps I just had done enough medicine on my own and what I really needed was to be in medicine with others, namely B. That is something I absolutely want to happen, more than words can describe. I decided that heading into night two I would just try to celebrate all that I have, a deep dive of gratitude into my life right in this moment.

Night two, the first dose was double what I started with on night one and…… nothing. I was honestly feeling a little rejected by the medicine at this point, like maybe I wasn’t worthy of her gifts or something. Kerby came and checked on me, asked if I was feeling anything, I said no, and he brought me more, not sure how much. I took the medicine, sat up so I could keep it down, then laid down. At this point I really wasn’t expecting much more than a long night and then after some period of time…. some visuals started up and I went inside them and the most beautiful evening unfolded.

I don’t really recall what order this all happened in, but I think it was like this. I went into the shifting patterns, and much of this was more felt than seen or thought, but through what I was seeing I knew that I was a tree, solid, strong, and standing in a forest of other trees, I felt a lot of power in being a tree. Then I went inside the tree in sort of a microscopic manner, into the bark down through the molecules, witnessing all the small systems making up the larger organism. During this somehow all of these parts became kind of a village, and then a kingdom, and then the kingdom was me. All of these parts made up my body, and I am the king of that kingdom. I saw all of these different parts of my body working together and separate at the same time, all feeding into my heart space where there was a crest and it felt fortified and open at the same time. I felt strong, and a new appreciation for my entire physical and spiritual self.

At some point during all of this, it might have been as I transitioned from tree to king, another beautiful moment occurred. I was shown what I knew after a moment of incredible intrigue to be some of my own most protected and tender parts. It’s hard to describe “what it looked like” but I think I would say that it looked like body tissue, maybe like glands or something, networked into red tissue, very raw and real. At first I didn’t know what this was and I remember feeling like I just wanted to blindly go into it an explore it then felt a hesitation to touch it and instead just observed it and realized it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. As I got closer I could see these parts of me feeding into the very core of who I am, I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were, but also understood that of course they are that beautiful and that sharing something that special with someone I love, like B, is a huge gift. If someone shared that part of themselves with me, actually showed me and let me revere that I would feel so blessed. At this point I realized that those parts are me, and I am a king, and that B is my queen, and together we will rule over each of our kingdoms, take care of each other, and also build a third kingdom together that will be the relationship body. There was a lot of B in this whole experience for me, I feel and felt so incredibly connected to her and like we are absolutely for each other, and I want to go all the way there with her- I want to be her partner.

Around this time I fell into my body, I sort of came out of that last section of the experience and felt the weight of my body, and it’s fullness, lying on the mat. Much of what I described above was a felt and seen experience, not an intellectual thought experience like a lot of my life. I played with my body, what it felt like, realized that I have been using myself to do my brain’s bidding and tried to ignore or force my way through my physical intelligence and that I need to receive communication from all of the parts of my body. I checked in with different parts, I asked my feet what they wanted and the answer was to explore and have fun, so I honored them and their wishes. I touched my own hands a lot, and realized what a beautiful feeling it is to be touched by me and what a gift that is to be give to others. At this point I wanted to touch another human so I asked Hailey to come sit with me and she held my hand and I held her arm for a minute and that was a beautiful energetic communication. I wanted to touch B so badly, I wanted her so much during this. I spent most of the rest of the evening playing in my body.

I drew to some music a bit, that was a cool experience. My ego planned some LM posts and how to monetize this world unfolding in front of me. I wanted to get my entire body tattooed- still do a bit. I have two new tattoo ideas I want to get. I also wanted to acknowledge my love for Kerby, so I did, that was important because I am honored and thankful to be his friend. Here are some things I wrote down:

Don’t own it- Be it.

There is no enough, and there is absolutely enough.

It is an honor to walk with you.

We are all God.

Embodied

Drawing music, frog dissection, human as king/kingdom, LM- Quotes and Art, Receiving info from body, this body!

What am I going to do with all of this body?

Then I wrote B a note, god I love her, she is my queen and I want to honor her with all that I am.