Goodbye again?
Hi B. Last night we talked at Gray’s. Our chemistry is next level, when we are together and vibing I have never felt more satisfying mix of safety, ease, and pure animal attraction. I really wanted to devour you, and I would have, but you stopped it and I’m glad you did. I woke up at 3 am feeling a pretty solid no. The thing that I’m noticing is that when we aren’t together I don’t feel safe, I feel uneasy. I think maybe my gut is telling me not to trust you. I will say that while I have shared really openly and vulnerably with you this entire time I feel like there is something you still aren’t telling me. That may or may not be true, but it is true for me and I think that is all that matters. It’s possible that the thing you aren’t telling me is not a secret you are withholding but actually just the thing that I need to hear- that you too want me back. I believe based off of how you feel to me that you want me back when we are together, but when we aren’t together I think maybe that isn’t the case.
You have told me you aren’t ready for a relationship, at least you don’t think you are. You have told me that your friend group here is dwindling further, with A busy with a new baby and J moving soon. You have told me your best friend is your sister, who lives in Chicago. You have told me you are thinking of moving to Chicago and that you spent a lot of weekends there this summer. You have told me you need a lot of personal and private space. You have told me you want to dance, have sex on drugs, and it seems you have transitioned to a pretty nightowl schedule. After I disclosed that I slept with someone else you mentioned you have slept with two other people. This is ok of course, and I wouldn’t have expected you to tell me any sooner because we were not together, but when I asked if you were safe about it you said yeah in a way that sort of felt like a no, or like that it worked out ok but not really. This is of course also fine and something I have absolutely done in my life, I’m not judging you for it, I think it just speaks to the fact that deep down in this relationship I still feel like you keep things from me, not just this one- the answer didn’t feel quite right…
I feel like I’m trying to convince you and I’m just so sure at this point of how amazing the love I have to offer is that I need someone now who sees that and chases it back. I want a relationship where we are chasing each other, and affirming each other and creating safety all along the way. I think this place inside your heart that you keep for yourself is going to haunt me if you are out all the time, and honestly I am just too old for that- which I also have some insecurity about dating someone 12 years younger. What feels right for me today is for me to say not now. I will not say not ever- because we just have so much of what I want naturally without even having to do anything at all- the chemistry B- it’s unbelievable. I invite you to come to me any time in the future if you decide what you want is this.
Stability, peace, great sex, a great big love, travel, expansive mind altering experiences, home, consistency, monagamy, transparency, and effort towards a level of integrity similiar to what I witness with L and K. I want someone who is active, values physical emotional and spiritual health, financial stability and working towards building safety security and freedom for the long term. I want someone to go on trips with, live with, and love with who I also want to spend hours in bed with on a regular basis.
I am going to put this desire out into the universe and invite this person to me. So if you do come to me in 2 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years I cannot say that I will be available, but I would certainly hope you would ask because I do know how rare the raw materials we have to work with are. I also just want to say, thank you so much for all you have shared with me, both before now in all the time we spent together and in the last week. You have given me a baseline for what I want a lot of parts of a relationship to feel like, my love for you has been different than any other I have ever experienced. In the last week you have also given me your time, and you have shared openly about where you are, and you have opened yourself up to this idea. You have given me clarity on where I am, what I need, what I want and you have given me the actual story of where things are with us and not just left me to write my own story and spend years wondering what would have happened if I could have managed my wounding better and worked with you to come back together. I take all of my experiences forward with me with so much love and gratitude- I cannot thank you enough. I hope I have provided you with some closure as well. Thank you, and I love you.
Still not done.
Two days ago I saw B out in the wild- she was walking with her friend at the same place and at the same time she knows I walk every week with my friends. So, it feels safe to say that she wanted to run into me. It is also safe to say that I am glad. I left her a note on her car, a small one, it said “Hi, I hope you are doing good. I think about you every day”. All of this is true. She sent me an email and we had a back and forth and now…. what on earth do I want?
I sure do miss her. It is possible that I won’t hear from her again, but I had been trying to let her go and have immediately slipped back into wanting her back now. I’m trying to remember the hard parts, how I gave her all that I had to give and it still didn’t feel like enough, my friends reminded me of this last night and I am very thankful for it.
I left the conversation with a pretty clear invitation I think, and I haven’t heard back from her. I’m thinking I probably won’t hear from her, my buddy K. thinks I will. I can say that I really do want to hear from her. I want her to say that she just can’t stop wanting me back and that she wants to open her heart to me again. I keep checking my email to see if she has responded, nothing yet.
I would tell her that I’m sorry, because I am. I would tell her that I know my wounding showed up and I ran away and that’s not safe. I would tell her that I have never had a harder time letting go of someone. I would tell her that I have never believed I may have lost my person as much as I do without her. I would explain that my love for her is exactly the thing that has kept me from reaching out all of this time. I would tell her about all of the letters I have written to her. I would tell her what I want to do different. I would tell her that I want us to make space for playing together more consistently, and that I want us to go on a vacation very soon, because we owe that to our relationship. There was just too much pressure.
I would also tell her all about my journey to my new state of being in love of my self and accepting of exactly who I am and where I am. That I love my sensitivity and the gift that it is and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I also know it can be hard sometimes. So, universe, we will see what happens next- I want a partner who is congruent with me and my continued expansion and growth. I don’t know if that’s B.- but maybe it is. Whether it is B or isn’t that is what I want and that is what I invite into my life now and forever.
Goodbye B.
Good morning my love. As I have fumbled through this grief and written you these letters there has been a hope that you would feel me calling you and decide to reach out. I’m realizing in this very moment how flawed that is, and how wishing for you to hear me and wishing for my next person to come into my life at the same time means neither will happen. I will say, I was hoping you and my next person are the same person, but it’s not feeling like that this morning.
I saw you have unfollowed me on Instagram- that really took a lot out of me to find out, but I’m taking it as an indicator that I should put this down and let you go. This love and hope I have for you and us is holding me back, and frankly I have never really understood how it could work since I can feel the anger you hold for me still as I tune into you. I hope you find a good man who can take care of you how you deserve to be cared for, there are a lot of predators out in the spiritual community and I hope you don’t end up being hurt further by one of them.
I understand your need to unfollow me, I have had you muted all summer because I couldn’t bear to look, and I have only come back to watching you as my desire to reconnect has become more uncontrollable. I love you so much, and my heart is absolutely shattered, but I am going to trust that we were together for our season for a reason- I certainly learned a lot about myself during our time together and am feeling solid on my feet and in myself. I am an amazing person and deserve all the love of the universe- I think the same things about you- you are an amazing person and deserve all the love in the universe. I’m off to stitch my heart back together and get ready for what is next- I hope it is amazing for both of us.
Into the ether.
Hey love- good morning. I’m still missing you terribly, but things are shifting for me. I still want you back, but I feel a bit more grounded in what that would actually mean for us, and truthfully I just can’t figure out how it would work without some significant growth from you too. But it’s true for me to say I have never had a partner that made me feel more seen and potent than you did- at times. I saw glimpses of the partnership that I want, the physical was certainly the best I have ever had and for me, that means that the emotional safety and feeling of being loved for whatever I can bring was there. It was so beautiful to connect with you that way and I will always be thankful for you being such an important part of my life.
Gosh, we sure went through it too. Going into a stressful remodel project at the beginning of the relationship was such a hard challenge to add into the ups and downs of falling in love with you. I do wonder without that home and financial strain what could have developed. Floyd being so close to the end of his life was hard too, by the time there was any space from the chaos at home, then the financial stabilizing that was needed for me to feel safe to spend some money, he was having too hard a time to be left alone.
If we did get together again I think one thing we could agree on is we need to make more fun and adventure happen! I know you likely wanted this all along, and I did too, but again, the challenges I was facing alone as we started dating. You may feel that I was not facing them alone but I would disagree, you were not tied to any of it and you had a place you could go. But let’s go have some fun, please baby, I want to go play with you.
I’m not sure if any of this comes through to you, but I write it in hopes you will feel all the love I continue to have for you, and the longing to try again.
Letters to B.
I think this website is going to just hold love letters to B for a while. I want to reach out to her all the time, it’s obsessive and probably not a great idea, but I need to get the words out. I like the idea of them being here because it feels a little closer to a manifestation/cosmic telegram if it’s out in the world.
Babe- I miss you so much. I have been looking at your instagram several times a day and really been thinking hard about reaching out to you. I feel I can’t, but if you can feel this please know that you can reach out to me- I would welcome it whole-heartedly. Right now I want you back. I’ve had a couple of thoughts of remembering pretty hard places didn’t work- E was definitely one of those. I always had a hard time with how you treated that relationship. In hindsight I have started to feel that it was a manifestation of you not trusting our connection. But truthfully, I have been primarily focused on how much I miss you, how much I hate that you are probably dating other men, how much I still wish it was you and me until the very end. I think at this point, due to the overwhelming amount of longing and idealized thoughts I have been having about us I’m going to focus on the things that I need from you- that feels important.
I wish you had more friends here, if you had a little more support that wasn’t me or your family I feel like that would be really grounding and supportive for you. I often felt like I was the only person you have here and that put a lot of pressure on me. I need to do a better job accepting how some things you said to me early on hurt me much more deeply than I think I let on. When you told me you wanted to sleep with other people very early on, that put a big crack in my sense of safety with you. I don’t feel like you expressing that was a problem, me not sharing how much it hurt was, that’s on me but it’s something we would have to work through to come back together. Your dislike of my house also really cut me deep- I think you actually do know this but I would really hope that we could figure out a way to fix that for me because I still carry it even though I wish I didn’t.
I learned some things about myself in the last week I’d like to share. I have more father-wounding than I was even aware of. I also have a tendency to de-value myself, which of course attracts that quality in others. I feel like you do this too, and I want you to know that you and I both have so much value, neither of us should be doing this! I’m trying to lean into self-love now. I want you back baby, every hour of every day I want you back. I love you so much, and I am so sorry for leaving you. I just didn’t know how to know and I was living in the uncertainty of the future instead of just living in each moment with you. There was of course pressure from you on the future which did invite that behavior, but I should have led us back to the now, and our love, and our bodies and I just didn’t know how. I like to think I could do better this time but I’m not sure.
My broken heart.
Dear B. I have been thinking of you so much lately. God I wish we could have made it work, I’m not over losing you and honestly I don’t think I want to be. If I hadn’t already come back asking to keep trying so many times I would probably be putting this in an email to you and trying to repair again, but I respect and love you too much to try and barge my way back into your heart at this point. So I’ll put what my wishes are here, in my portal into the universe. I want to ask you to take me back, and I know the things I want to do differently, but the truth of it is I need you to do things differently as well and I’m still not convinced you can. I’m open to moving now, I’d be open to us moving somewhere together. I still have a hang up about selling my house for something larger that I could not afford on my own, which is a hedge I suppose, but financial security is really important to me and the idea of getting stuck with a bill for a home I can’t sustain just goes against my judgement. I also still have an issue with you bringing zero equity but becoming an equal partner in what I own- maybe this is my own shit I should work on, but me coming with likely around 100K of equity that I have built and giving you essentially half of that feels really out of balance for me, especially when I know how much time can change a relationship and having lost so much, including some of my belief that this can even work for me when I lost my marriage. Some of the solutions to this that I proposed when you may have lived here would work for me- you renting to own feels appropriate to me, but I know that feels out of alignment for you.
I slept with someone else last week, you need to know that. She is a lovely person, but she is not you. Being in my bed with her cracked open a whole new layer of grief for me that I didn’t know was there so I ended things. I think I did this well, I just told her the truth and she understood. I have been trying to find someone else, someone to love, but the truth is I am already in love with someone so this exercise is really just a way to avoid sitting in the profoundly deep loss I feel after letting go of you. I do still feel a little like you pushed me into a corner with your need to live together immediately and also with my perception that my current home which I have POURED myself in to isn’t enough for you. I think it makes me feel like I am not enough. The resources I have to make a home for us are not enough, the space I have is not enough. I have been trying to make my home a place you could see yourself since first doing that mold test after a very short time dating- because I knew what a special person you are. But I have also been working for the last six years on rebuilding a life that works for me and it has been so hard- I have been into the darkness and now I am there again, but I am safe in my home that I worked so hard for.
I wish we could have had more fun, but I was financially impacted in such a huge way by the mold removal and kitchen remodel, I just needed time to get on my feet again. Now I’m back on my feet without your feet next to mine and that makes me really sad. I still wish we could spend our lives together- that hasn’t changed. I still want you, just you, by my side. I also still believe this can’t happen unless some things shift for you too.
I am so sorry. I’m sorry I got overwhelmed and left you. I’m sorry we arrived at what felt like an impasse and I felt no other option other than to stop torturing ourselves with my being unable to meet exactly what you wanted and needed. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry you thought that doing so didn’t hurt me at all- I assure you that this loss is as deep as any other I have experienced and I ache for you and dream of what could have been every day. I love you so much.
Therapy
I need to figure out what I want to work on in therapy. Writing anything down about my family is incredibly uncomfortable for me but they are at the beginning of my story, and I think I should start at the beginning. It is important to me to lead with love here as I process this. I already have the feeling that this is something that has been in the deep dark for too long. I will do my best to lead with love for my family and for myself.
I have always been drawn to writing, I think it’s actually a love-language for me. To distill a feeling or thought into it’s sharpest point to share with someone is such a beautiful gift; to give them a window into the truest sense of yourself.
And that’s where the fear is, because I can’t go halfway here. I feel a lot of things percolating… I keep wanting to keep this succinct and make a plan first but Rick Rubin says when creativity comes you should let it flow until it’s done'; it’s best to get a sloppy full first-copy than to make just the beginning of something and say you’ll come back to it. Walking away is how good things get lost sometimes.
I don’t have a lot of happy memories from my childhood but I do have a few. The one that popped into my mind just now was the big smile of my grandfather on my dad’s side…. he was a lovely man. I remember winning the swim-meet doing the backstroke when I was little; that was huge. There are more and I could go on but that’s not the point of writing right now. I know I had happy times despite having few happy memories because I have pictures of me happy to prove it.
Despite this, my biggest memories are moments of shame, pain, and insecurity. I want to write about one of those hard ones now.
I have a beautiful family, I was raised by two parents who loved me a whole lot, and who I truly believe want the best for me. I have two wonderful sisters too. What a gift that is- I won the birth-lottery in a lot of ways. Most people have a much harder life than I have had. I have nothing to complain about.
And yet- it came with difficulties. Right now I’m stalling… I’m stalling because I don’t want to say that one time my dad hurt me. I’m coming to realize more-and-more the depth of my father-wound. My dad has always loved me and he still does — even though he won’t say it. The only thing my dad has ever wanted was to keep me safe and get me ready for the world. My dad wants me to do what makes me happy. I’m still stalling.
I don’t remember how old I was, but I feel like it’s around 6. I don’t totally trust this memory, despite it being very clear….stalling. The memory starts at the kitchen table. It’s lunch, I’m eating a sandwich and looking out the window of the back door that goes to the deck. I have a glass of milk and there are some crumbs on the table. The sun is streaking into the house and across the table. It is a sunny day but not hot, cool in fact, maybe spring? I remember that the sun was a welcome part of the day. My dad was working in the yard and I didn’t want to eat my crust.
It was just me and my dad at the house. I don’t know where everyone else was but I remember it being just us. I ate all I wanted of my sandwich. I drank all I wanted of my milk. I left the crust on the plate and some milk in the glass and went outside to tell my dad I was done. He came in to check my work and discovered that I had not finished my lunch. I have no memory of the morning leading up to this… I have no idea of the mood up until now.
My dad is a particular man, he can be very short-tempered and honestly kind of mean. He also loves his family so much and would do anything for them. I truly believe my dad only wants the best for me.
Classic kid/dad stand-off over sandwich crust. He insisted I finish the crust and my milk, I resisted. I imagine there were tears and some sort of other more-routine-but-not-great “encouragements” to do it. It was clear to me that finishing this crust was not optional. He left me with clear instructions and went back outside. I have no idea how long this part went on. I remember that the milk was warm and smelled bad by the time I had to swallow it- not spoiled but warm and gross.
I could not get the crust down, I remember trying and feeling like it was going to make me throw up. I went to the trash can in the kitchen, dug down a little ways and found an empty orange-juice concentrate can. I put my sandwich crust into the can, gently fluffed some trash into the top of the can to cover the crust, then put the can back down into the trash about as deep as I had found it- I was already pretty good at hiding then. I went outside and told my dad I was done.
I remember standing in the kitchen while my dad dug through the trash. I remember him finding the crust in the orange juice can. I remember lying and saying it was my friend’s crust from the other day. I remember tears. I remember fear. I remember having my pants around my ankles in the cramped downstairs bathroom. I was laying over my dad’s lap. I remember how small the room felt. I remember how awful it was. I can still feel it.
My dad spanked my bare bottom for what felt like a long time; hard strikes. While being spanked I was interrogated about the crust. I was forced to admit my lie. I kept lying for at least a little bit, and for every lie more pain was dispensed. The feeling of fear was absolutely crushing, I can still feel it. I don’t know how long this went on but it felt like forever. I know it ended with me admitting it was my crust.
I remember sitting on my dad’s lap afterwards, still in the bathroom. I think my pants were back up. I remember my dad holding me there, apologizing and repeating to me that he loved me. I remember him explaining that he just wanted me to tell him the truth. I remember him saying it wasn’t about the sandwich. I remember him saying it was about telling him the truth. If I had only told him the truth this wouldn’t have happened.
I remember that I was frozen and crying. I remember feeling disconnected from my body. Then there is just a fade to numbness and darkness. I spent most days of my life after that doing whatever I could to hide from him. I was too little to hide physically but I sure did hide emotionally. I think that was probably easier because my dad is not in tune with his emotions When my dad could see me I did my best to meet his performance expectations. I just wanted to get away after that, it was exhausting.
This incident has only been addressed by him once. He casually told me once 5-10 years ago that he thought he “lost it on me a little bit once”. I sort of breathlessly laughed it off and dismissed it. I rubbed some dirt on it and did the adult version of running away.
I have felt for many years now that is the source of a big chunk of my pain but not known what to do with it. Now I have written it all down and put it on the internet. Seems like the start of something. Ooof.
A Promise to the Universe.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be treasured. I deserve a peaceful and stable connection with a woman I am passionate about. In order to be ready for my queen when she arrives, I promise this to myself and the universe today. I will spend the rest of 2023 present, not checked out. I have already quit drinking alcohol, I will abstain from alcohol through at least the entire year or 2024. I am going to use marijuana one more time tonight, tomorrow I will stop using marijuana for the rest of 2023. I’m hesitant to give it up entirely because there are times where I think it can change my perspective in a way that is beneficial for me creating art, but that is not how I am using it now so a solid break is called for. I’m not sure if I can have it in my life or not, but there are other things I desire more at this point- a big one is being able to sit with my feelings without having them steer me off a cliff and out of integrity. I will spend the rest of 2023 building myself, I will do my practices that keep me grounded, and stay connected to my friends, I will try to eat better, and I will work on my classwork and building up a new creative outlet for myself. I remain open to B, but I need to give myself space from her, because I think B is done and we may have done irreparable damage. I remain open to the universe bringing me my partner, but I am not seeking her right now- I am seeking self-love and better connection to myself, I am building myself back up so I am strong and potent when my true love comes, because I trust that she is coming.
When my queen comes- my focus has to be on integrity. I need to communicate my feelings as they happen, clearly, openly, and honestly. I need to focus on not keeping secrets, even if they are small, I need to put my full self into the relationship so it is built on a foundation of truth and transparency. My partner will also have wounds, we all do. I will do my best not to internalize her wounding and instead approach with a desire to understand and heal it with her. I want us to heal each other. I will be curious about her pain, and want to know it more deeply whenever I can. I need to be in integrity with myself first and foremost, and in integrity with my friends and family, and in integrity with my partner. I understand these things are required to have the life I have always dreamed of and I will do my best to push through my discomfort and give someone the chance to love the real me- because the real me deserves so much love and has so much love to give. This I promise myself and the universe today.
The end?
I have been aching so badly for B since we broke up, and since I quit drinking it has been getting more and more intense. I reached out to her this morning and asked her to go for a walk with me- she didn’t respond and she didn’t come to the walk. I am gutted, I am absolutely in mourning. I wanted to marry Basia, I still do. I wanted to finally show myself to her and also get really curious about her trauma and how it is coming into our relationship and really take a fresh look at healing together, it seems that I will not have the chance to do that. My heart is shattered. What I had hoped to tell her today was this.
B- I love you so much and I am so sorry that we haven’t figured out a way to heal our trauma together, and instead we have just kept re-traumatizing each other. I want you to come live with me and build a life together, but to do that I have some things I have to share with you first. Sometimes you are too rough with me emotionally, I’m really sensitive and I’m not sure you know how some of the things you say to me hit for me. I have heard over and over that I am not enough, that my home is not enough, that my attention is not enough- this is not what you are saying but it’s what I’m hearing. I already feel like I’m not enough, and every time this happens it makes me feel like my best just won’t cut it, you need more than I have. Maybe that is the truth, I’m not sure, maybe you do just need more than I have. I feel like you are a mystery on some pretty deep levels. You clearly have deep seated trauma, and I’m pretty sure some of it is sexual trauma- but you haven’t shared that with me. You have always hidden parts of yourself from me, and then complained that you feel like I have a secret life. There has been some damage from this.
But I have also been out of integrity in this relationship. I have such a hard time having difficult conversations and sharing my truth because deep down I think it will make you leave, but that’s just my story, the only way to truly find out is to show myself to you fully and let you make your own decisions. I did not do that and I’m sorry. Our love is so special to me, and I’m so sad to have lost it. I will love you forever and you will always have a place in my heart. I’m sorry we couldn’t make this work, because the thought of spending the rest of my life with you by my side makes my heart swell, only now that swelling feels like it pushes up against a cage of spikes and it hurts so badly. I love you so very much my queen.
Work Right Now.
OMG- what a day. A little over 13 hours of pretty hard and sustained work. I do really like what I’m doing, which is one of the reasons I stayed so long, but I shouldn’t have. The main reason I’m writing about work is because J is making me fucking crazy right now, I’m stewing about it. Ask me about the lighting in the prop room right now- are you fucking kidding me- have you been in the basement and seen the prop resource we are building- this is infrastructure dipshit! We are doing this first. The fact that you are so oblivious to what is going on drives me nuts!
I’m pretty frustrated with you. I have tried to work with you, and I have tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. We have spoken before about how I don’t believe you were set up well here from the git-go, and how I don’t agree with some of the things you and JT agreed to when you were hired. I have tried working with you and to be fair, more than once you have responded and stepped it up a little, but it doesn’t last and as soon as you complete the thing that’s extra that I need you to do you slip back into the ambiguity of your schedule or are just out of office. If I had to give you your performance review right now I would have to say you are not meeting my expectations.
I also feel that the rest of the propping team operates better when you are gone- people naturally step in and help and it just runs better. When you are back, everyone seems more aloof and not like they are working in an environment that is growing and changing quickly and for which we need all hands on deck. I looked at your team’s vacation and realized you have approved 6 weeks for B so far, I was shocked, I haven’t heard anything about this at all. I also wasn’t shocked since at least once in the company of others, many of whom get ZERO paid vacation, you humble-bragged about how much vacation you have taken this year. Your leadership is not satisfactory either.
I would really prefer if you resigned, because I think that would be easier for me to deal with, but if you would like to stay here I need you to be a part of this as a leader, and not some entitled brat who prefers to do the least amount of work possible.
End rant.
Witness me.
Holy hell, I have been struggling. My drinking and marijuana usage has gotten out of control again. I think I got drunk every night but two in the last week and as Bilbo Baggins once said- “I feel like butter scraped across too much bread”. I’m going to take October off from drinking, and I’m planning to spend at least a couple days working with some mushrooms. I took 2 grams this morning, right out of bed, and had a beautiful and cathartic experience- so much grief and loss came through, I cried, I sobbed, I wailed, I shook. One of the biggest takeaways was that I need to be witnessed, I need to allow myself to be witnessed, I need to let my friends know I’m having a hard time. I need to stop poisoning myself. I’m so sad and overwhelmed and alone- it’s scary. I have built a castle to keep me safe, and a controlled environment where I can come and rest but I don’t use it to rest and process, I use it to hide and numb- I am diminishing my own essence because I have never felt safe, and I have put so much structure in place to keep myself safe because I had to but now some of that structure is blocking what I need to heal and grow and accept all of myself. I had a clear feeling that my protector part has had to be so vigilant for so long that he doesn’t know how to step down and let my other parts lead- it’s like the little boy inside me just wants to be held, and the protector is telling him there is not time to hold him because he is keeping him safe from outside threats, but little dude just needs to be held and soothed and loved and taken care of, no one can come near because they pose a threat to the system that was put in place to help me get through. It’s strange to me that I have so few memories from my childhood- I have been on edge the whole time, numbing, avoiding, poisoning my own well. My body felt poisoned this morning, I’m so tired and empty. I’m very sad about the loss of another woman who I really wanted to partner with, I really loved B but that is gone now. Another pretty strong feeling I had in the medicine today was that I need a woman to take care of me, I feel that need in my bones. I don’t want to be dependent, but I do just want and need to be cared for and able to receive that care without deflecting and trying to meet some kind of expectation for reciprocation. I feel like I am in a time of loss- B, my dog will be passing soon, my parents are getting really old, I am also getting older. I have the things I need in place, I just need all my parts to feel welcome and integrated, I need to be self-love embodied and walking around and life will rise to meet me. So the work for now is in numbing less, creating more, hiding less, sharing more, giving less, receiving more and being so so kind to all of my parts who have carried me and sustained me so well.
Trust issues.
I have been here before, this place is familiar, this place where I have run myself into the ground trying to will my spirit into what my mind thinks is best for me. What is this thing? Love, companionship, and affection. But the way I have been doing this just won’t work, because I’m not letting my spirit lead me where I need to go. Instead I block, defer, rationalize, and lie because I think anyone who really knows me will leave me, and when I find someone who wants me I should hold on for dear life. I make bargains and break my trust with myself. A very cool thing about all of the growth I have had in the last three years is that I have actually gained quite a bit more awareness of self- not the thinking looping self who is sure no one else will love me if I let go of this one person who does, I’ve known that guy forever. The awareness I have is of how my body is reacting to someone, where I am out of integrity, what it takes to make me feel whole and grounded. I read a post from about 6 months ago where B and I were in the same place, we have been in this place so long, I’m so tired.
I have never had a better physical relationship, and I have never felt more in my power in the bedroom as with B. I have also never been as desired. Her body is medicine for me, a drug. The time we spent in bed was very connected and amazing, I wanted to lick, suck, and fuck every single part of her, and she gave it all to me, her king. But it wasn’t enough, there was never enough. As I write this I’m connecting a couple of dots and realizing this is how I feel about substances, there is just never enough so I binge and then feel sick. I feel like this is the cycle B and I have been in.
I’m getting right back on the dating wagon though- I am still trying. The growth lies in allowing myself to be fully seen and heard, in staying true to myself- if I can do that I will be in integrity and the real choice of whether or not the next woman wants me will be in her heart. I have to show up as myself and keep this trust in my own intution and knowing intact and supported. Here we go again…
One step forward…
I’m finding myself in a place I’ve been before. I have never been right here as the person I am now, but I do have some things coming up for me that I’ve definitely been experiencing for a long time. One of the big struggles I’m having in this moment is knowing the difference between programming, and the desire to hide and retreat from a relationship, or if this is in fact my intuition, asking for trust after being ignored for so long. I have been feeling a pull back to numbing behaviors, and also a conflict around whether that is actually bad or not. Must all of life be ingested in full sobriety or is it reasonable to shut things down, relax, numb, and rest. Is wanting a break from struggle and discomfort wrong? I won’t pretend to know the answer, but I do know I spent most of last weekend pretty stoned and avoiding what is going on in my life- which is relationship turbulence with B.
B and I actually broke up over New Years, only for about 24 hours. The second half of last year was pretty rough, I have a few journal entries offline from that time that end with me deciding it’s time for us to part ways, but I can’t seem to do it. I have loved her so much, I keep hoping my heart will come back but it’s not doing it yet. I think I’m really worried she could be the love of my life and then I will let her go because of my damage and lose her forever and regret it. What happened at New Year’s was that after I broke up with her I sat in the house alone and felt the loss, thought maybe I could fix it, and offered my solution- I asked her to try and trust this with me one more time and move in. I thought at the time going all in would provide her with the security I thought she needed and allow her to relax into this relationship more. It didn’t honestly help that much. We have gotten into a cycle that from my perspective has involved her getting upset or needing more from me and speaking out, followed by me withdrawing and putting up walls, which makes her more anxious so she lashes out, which makes me pull back even more, and so on and so on we go. One week ago today I came home from work and told her that this wasn’t working for me, that was awful. We have spent the last week taking some space from each other, and have come back together a couple of times, I feel paralyzed and selfish.
Not all of the last half of the year was rough, we have our moments of amazing love for sure. She is a good lover and has been an incredibly healing person to be in relationship with. I think she is incredibly beautiful, and I admire many things about her. On a lot of levels she is all I have ever wanted, but that’s not totally true, because I find myself now wanting other things. I want space, I want another woman, I want to be able to just sit and numb and not be bothered or pushed to grow- I’m tired of being pushed, I just want to be still. I feel like both of my options are a mistake, and like maybe I’m just dragging out something inevitable, but I’m stuck, I don’t want to lose this…. I think that’s my lesson, I have to let it go. I feel like I do know that, I’m just denying it because I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be on dating apps to meet people again, I don’t want to get to know a new person sexually and go through all the feelings of inadequacy again. I don’t want to fail at love again.
I have noticed this a lot lately too- I focus a lot on what I don’t want, what I want to avoid, but I end up avoiding what I do want. What do I want? That feels like what I need to refocus towards. I want to learn to surf. I want to rest, I want to recover from what has been an exhausting year, I want to take it easy, I want to be excited about life again outside of work. I want to have a healthy relationship with substances, I want to have a healthy relationship with myself. I want to feel good in my body, I want people to feel happy and at ease around me. I want my home to be a place to rest and recharge, without unnecessary conflict. I think I want a break to get back to me, focusing on my own hobbies and interests and rhythm. For today that feels like a conclusion, I want to check back in tomorrow and see if this feels the same- just to make sure I’m not making a mistake.
Bufo Round Four
Where to begin, what is a beginning? I guess I’ll begin with the fact that a big part of me doesn’t want to sit down and write about this. I’m not sure where the hesitation comes from, each time I have journaled about a big journey it has helped me to take more away from the experience, and I have always gained more insight into the experience by sitting and intentionally writing but for some reason this time I have been putting that off. It’s been a few days since B and I did bufo together and a lot of the integration time has been spent making sure she landed ok and that has been a little rough to be honest. So, even though all I want to do is watch TV and go to bed early this Sunday evening I’m making a point to sit down and write first.
Doing a bufo ceremony with someone you love is something, holy shit. Watching B process what was coming through/out of her was beautiful, sacred, and a little unnerving. It also felt incredibly intimate to watch her in the medicine and hold that space while she was in the medicine, it was beautiful.
I think I’ll start by just recounting the experience from my perspective. We arrived, I was nervous, I think B was too but in a different way because this was her first time. It made sense for B to go first, sometimes watching someone go through the process can be a little scary so it makes more sense to get new people going first in case they start to get nerves watching the process with others happen. H served B, she did such a beautiful job creating a safe and calm container for B and it felt so loving how she explained how things would go. Things go pretty quick, before I knew it B was reading her prayer, then taking her breaths, then taking in the medicine. She got it all in, sort of began to lean back, but then sat up and began saying no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no……… I don’t want, I don’t want, I don’t want……… screaming, terrible, deep, gutteral screaming, pleading. It seemed like she was trying to escape. It was hard to witness but I knew what was happening was life changing and that the only way out was through, to witness her there working through something so deeply implanted in her was truly a sacred experience. After she settled in to it she laid down for a bit, no idea on time involved in any of this, and had the rest of her experience. As she was coming out of the medicine K set me up to be served.
K said to me “No prayer for you, you’ve said all the prayers and you are here, your intention is your prayer”. For me, the intention setting with bufo has gotten simpler each time- not less thoughtful, just simpler- the bufo is going where it’s going and to think that I “know what’s best” in that scenario feels like all ego to me. This time around the intention was “To surrender to this healing and integrate it all as best I can”. So, I took in the medicine and whooosh, I’m gone. This time felt the same and different, I had the same a-ha moment of feeling like I had just been given the keys to the universe, and the same realization that I can’t really get my hands around it after the medicine. It’s so clear and simple, I think the hard part is that it’s not what I think it is at all, that’s a part of my cosmic joke. More on that in a second. One other thing that felt absolutely huge this time was the purge- I felt then and still have the feeling that I cleared something that was either going to, or at least had the potential to make me really sick. I remember gagging and spitting and what was clearing during that was poison, my body feels different without it. As I came out of the medicine I became aware that they were about to serve B a second dose, so instead of laying in my experience I sat up to be present with her as she stepped back into everything…..
The second dose for B was rough, and it pulled me back into this dimension pretty quickly. It began the same as the first, but there was even more energy to it, it was a bit scary and I felt like I wanted to help and stay out of the way at the same time. She got through it, but it was rough, there was purging and she was moving around like a trapped animal. I feel like from the moment I came out of the medicine and she took her second dose to this morning my experience became primarily about making sure she was ok, because she had a rough journey and her first two nights after were also really rough. I’m ok with this, but it is a little strange to have had such a profound experience and go straight into caretaking. I love B though, and I’m glad we did this together, and I’m glad she is now settling in to integration successfully because for the first couple days I think she was not sure she should have done this.
I think I’m going to stop there, because I still really don’t feel like doing this and I think what I want to explore next is the “we did it” component of all my journeys and what that means to me this time.
Aya
The week leading up to ceremony I participated in the dieta, which is basically a very low salt, low fat, vegan diet with no fermented foods. Oh, and no sex. That was tough because I’m in love and getting into my body with B and exchanging bodily fluids is definitely something we are both always interested in doing. We did well though. I felt very low energy all week, tired, kind of a low-grade headache…. just not great. I lost 5 pounds. Going into ceremony I just felt off, not in a bad way that would make me worried, just a little off.
I wanted to really heal my relationship with my body, so that I can be in my body and receive communication from it. I’m trying to heal some of the shame I feel around my body, sex, sexual performance and also around relationship. I was feeling a little insecure during the week too. We were at a beautiful location in Winterset on some property in an Air B&B. The first night I started with 3/4 cup, didn’t taste too bad, kind of like molasses, then to the mats. I didn’t really feel much from the first dose, there was a little something but it was so subtle I wasn’t sure it wasn’t just in my head, when the second dose came around I took it, and still not much was going on, a little more maybe. I was definitely getting information and some really light visuals, it felt good, but was mild. Third dose, same deal, a little deeper, but not too deep. I was getting in my head a little about the fact that maybe this medicine just wasn’t for me, and I also really just wanted B to be there with me, much of the communication the first night was about my relationship with B. There was a lot of really beautiful feelings about us, she is my partner, I really believe that. Some of the downloads I got were: We have so much to talk about, we have so much to feel, we have so much; Disconnection from my body; if we were going to lose each other would I still want to go all in here- YES; It doesn’t end, it changes.
At integration Saturday I was feeling a little envious of other people’s experiences and wondered if maybe Bufo had just made any other medicine journey less impactful. It was good for me to also acknowledge that I was sure going into this that my journey would be hard, another great insight was that this doesn’t have to be hard all the time to be valuable. I was missing B pretty hard, spent the day feeling a little underwhelmed and just wanting her there with me. On my walk I was also wondering if perhaps I just had done enough medicine on my own and what I really needed was to be in medicine with others, namely B. That is something I absolutely want to happen, more than words can describe. I decided that heading into night two I would just try to celebrate all that I have, a deep dive of gratitude into my life right in this moment.
Night two, the first dose was double what I started with on night one and…… nothing. I was honestly feeling a little rejected by the medicine at this point, like maybe I wasn’t worthy of her gifts or something. Kerby came and checked on me, asked if I was feeling anything, I said no, and he brought me more, not sure how much. I took the medicine, sat up so I could keep it down, then laid down. At this point I really wasn’t expecting much more than a long night and then after some period of time…. some visuals started up and I went inside them and the most beautiful evening unfolded.
I don’t really recall what order this all happened in, but I think it was like this. I went into the shifting patterns, and much of this was more felt than seen or thought, but through what I was seeing I knew that I was a tree, solid, strong, and standing in a forest of other trees, I felt a lot of power in being a tree. Then I went inside the tree in sort of a microscopic manner, into the bark down through the molecules, witnessing all the small systems making up the larger organism. During this somehow all of these parts became kind of a village, and then a kingdom, and then the kingdom was me. All of these parts made up my body, and I am the king of that kingdom. I saw all of these different parts of my body working together and separate at the same time, all feeding into my heart space where there was a crest and it felt fortified and open at the same time. I felt strong, and a new appreciation for my entire physical and spiritual self.
At some point during all of this, it might have been as I transitioned from tree to king, another beautiful moment occurred. I was shown what I knew after a moment of incredible intrigue to be some of my own most protected and tender parts. It’s hard to describe “what it looked like” but I think I would say that it looked like body tissue, maybe like glands or something, networked into red tissue, very raw and real. At first I didn’t know what this was and I remember feeling like I just wanted to blindly go into it an explore it then felt a hesitation to touch it and instead just observed it and realized it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. As I got closer I could see these parts of me feeding into the very core of who I am, I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were, but also understood that of course they are that beautiful and that sharing something that special with someone I love, like B, is a huge gift. If someone shared that part of themselves with me, actually showed me and let me revere that I would feel so blessed. At this point I realized that those parts are me, and I am a king, and that B is my queen, and together we will rule over each of our kingdoms, take care of each other, and also build a third kingdom together that will be the relationship body. There was a lot of B in this whole experience for me, I feel and felt so incredibly connected to her and like we are absolutely for each other, and I want to go all the way there with her- I want to be her partner.
Around this time I fell into my body, I sort of came out of that last section of the experience and felt the weight of my body, and it’s fullness, lying on the mat. Much of what I described above was a felt and seen experience, not an intellectual thought experience like a lot of my life. I played with my body, what it felt like, realized that I have been using myself to do my brain’s bidding and tried to ignore or force my way through my physical intelligence and that I need to receive communication from all of the parts of my body. I checked in with different parts, I asked my feet what they wanted and the answer was to explore and have fun, so I honored them and their wishes. I touched my own hands a lot, and realized what a beautiful feeling it is to be touched by me and what a gift that is to be give to others. At this point I wanted to touch another human so I asked Hailey to come sit with me and she held my hand and I held her arm for a minute and that was a beautiful energetic communication. I wanted to touch B so badly, I wanted her so much during this. I spent most of the rest of the evening playing in my body.
I drew to some music a bit, that was a cool experience. My ego planned some LM posts and how to monetize this world unfolding in front of me. I wanted to get my entire body tattooed- still do a bit. I have two new tattoo ideas I want to get. I also wanted to acknowledge my love for Kerby, so I did, that was important because I am honored and thankful to be his friend. Here are some things I wrote down:
Don’t own it- Be it.
There is no enough, and there is absolutely enough.
It is an honor to walk with you.
We are all God.
Embodied
Drawing music, frog dissection, human as king/kingdom, LM- Quotes and Art, Receiving info from body, this body!
What am I going to do with all of this body?
Then I wrote B a note, god I love her, she is my queen and I want to honor her with all that I am.
Integration
Hi H.
I’m going to start at the beginning. I want to say that when I saw you yesterday you were absolutely radiant. You were radiating your light, and your love, and your energy, and it was beautiful. I want to say thank you for sharing the energy of you walking your truth and your path with me.
Now I need your help please because wanting to say that has stirred up a bunch of feelings for me. It is very difficult for me to write those words to you because there are two parts to words, the intention behind them which I know, and their reception with you, which I cannot know. I feel a pull from within to say this to you, because it is the truth, and because you have been an inspiration to me in ways that I haven’t told you and I feel it is important for you to know- It is important for me to say. I almost did not share these words with you because I have no control over how they will be received, and the fear of you receiving them differently than I intended them is almost so much that I would have pushed them down forever, snuffed out, when I believe their rightful place is out of my mouth, or in this case my hands, and into your world and everyone’s world as true, unconditional love. Out in this world through you these words can feed that fire building in you and move out through you into others, to then feed others, and so on.
So, why is this hard? It’s hard because I am uncomfortable saying something to you that I think could make you uncomfortable. Why do I think this would make you uncomfortable? It might make you uncomfortable because it is directly from my heart to you and so by its very nature, it is very intimate. Why do I feel that saying something intimate will cause discomfort? I am programmed to think that saying intimate words is only for romantic partners…. maybe, I’m not sure that’s quite it but I’m going to leave it here…. I think there is definitely a part of it that feels almost like taking something from you, it feels a little like I could be assaulting you with my energy and feelings, there is another part of it that is basically that it is important for me that you feel safe around me, I think that is because I have a hard time feeling safe in my own masculinity most of the time and certainly understand how the way a lot of masculine energy shows up in the world would immediately attach a feeling of there being an agenda behind a simple grouping of words shared between two humans that identify differently. Like I want to get your consent to share that I am thankful for your radiance. I believe I can say that I want to say this for you and not for my own benefit. I’m not sure, but the discomfort is there for me because I value you and your comfort, and don’t want to steal any of that from you with my words. I think that’s maybe it, or part of it anyways, I’m still processing all of this.
So, I felt like I needed to work through this, and while I could just have it exist in my journal, where it definitely does exist, I feel that a part of integrating this experience is in relation to other humans I care about. I have been hiding away, being careful for my entire remembered life, I had to literally try to find me in my body today during my meditation and it was hard and it took a minute and hurt a lot, and when I did find “me”, at least I think I did, and I reassured that part that it was ok, and apologized to it, and welcomed it home, and thanked it for coming out of hiding even for a second, I felt it fill me up and this is where it told me to start. This note and integration is what is next for me. So much work to just tell a friend that you see and appreciate every bit of them you have the privilege of knowing so far, this is the programming. I love that you enjoy working in the dark and you are perfect for it, because you are absolutely a light in that darkness. Thank you.
B
I just got home from my second date with B. The first date was coffee for 2.5 hours and was amazing- I immediately paused my dating profiles when I got home and screen grabbed our very first texts back and forth because this FEELS like something. Just writing that this FEELS like something caused a well of emotion to come up and I felt it move through my entire body, it really feels like something. Right now I just want to take in the intoxication of that feeling and be with her, but I’m thankful at the same time to be at home feeling this alone, processing, letting it wash over me. To fully soak in this moment, and write about it, to be present with it and fully experience what could be the beginning of love. I have caught myself already trying to omit things, I had a big struggle with telling her I have tattoos because I didn’t know how she would react, but I’m trying and I got it out and she knows about all my new tattoos and how I feel about them. I told her tonight that I was going to do my best to really let her know what my truth was all the time, and that I knew I would mess that up sometimes, but that I was calling myself on it and welcomed her to call me on it as well. She reciprocated that intention. I’m walking this line between trying not to get ahead of myself and to remain unattached to any specific outcome, and feeling over the moon excited and like this ember that has smoldered in my heart for such a long time just had a firm, warm, confident, loving breath blown directly into it, that ember is absolutely glowing right now and you know what, I’m going to take that and soak in it because life is short and I don’t get to know what’s coming tomorrow, so all I can do is fully take in what is happening right now, and that is that I’m absolutely smitten and it feels beautiful.
Horcruxes
I’m feeling like flushing out an idea I have about art. I made a needle-felted toad for someone who is very important to me and every time I create a physical object I have this same thought about horcruxes. In Harry Potter, a horcrux is a place where Voldemort essentially puts parts of his soul so while those horcruxes exist he can never truly die. So, when I make a piece of art, that I pour myself in to I feel that on some levels I have put a piece of my spirit into that object and as long as someone…. anyone chooses to have that object around, a part of me lives forever. I just think that’s a really beautiful thought and I’ve had it for a while so I wanted to get it down here- I may refine it later- but this is the basic idea of it.