Day 2
I suppose I’ll just dig right in here- I’m already worried about having a public journal. I was thinking about how I should explore the statement I made in my last post about how I have never really showed myself to anyone and immediately worried about people finding this stuff out- one person in particular, my ex-wife. I LOVE my ex-wife and I know highlighting the ways I hid my truth from her will hurt her and make me look like a schmuck- this of course really triggers my need to protect myself and not hurt people’s feelings. But, I suppose that’s all a part of this, so I might as well just use that relationship as an example here since it was one of my biggest betrayals of another person and of myself in my life.
I had doubts about getting married and I did it anyways. I kept thinking over and over again “maybe if I do/change this, then this will happen/get better”. I read a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” on my way out of that marriage, I did all that shit. Covert Contracts- HELLO- I tried to get my needs met by doing things for her without ever really telling her what I needed for YEARS. I loved my ex and I still do. I remember putting my needs in the backseat for the whole relationship, not because she ever asked me to, but because I thought she would never love me if she knew who I really was, no one would. I wanted kids, she didn’t, I thought “ok we will just go on really cool vacations and be in love”- no. These continued self-betrayals caused me to lose trust in myself and my own intuition and that has been really hard to rebuild, but I’m building now.
The road to marriage really began with a series of reactions to situations and I never stepped into agency for myself and that hurt a lot of people. I had asked her dad if he was ok with me asking her to marry me, I feel like I asked him but maybe I just assumed he would keep that to himself, instead he shared it with at least her brother because a day or two later he called me on HER PHONE to ask if I would want to buy the engagement ring he had from a failed proposal and trade it in because he thought he could get more for it that way. At that point I felt like the whole family knew, because they probably did, and the clock was ticking on the proposal. Being me I already had the ring and was just waiting to be ready/find the right time, instead I rushed it and asked that next weekend. Then the planning started and I just kept thinking that once this happens it will be better, once that happens it will be better. I wasn’t sure about it on my wedding day but didn’t feel like I could say that to anyone, so I didn’t.
I don’t want to make it sound like things were all bad, I still miss her and have even thought before maybe we shouldn’t have gotten divorced- we are super compatible in a lot of ways and she is still a great friend- that’s a reason I’m uncomfortable disclosing this stuff, I don’t want to lose that- that’s actually the reason I didn’t disclose any of this, I’ve always been so scared of losing love/people. We went on some great trips and had some really great times, remodeled a home together, built a life together, the romance was never there though and I always needed it. The touching was never there, and I always needed it. There is a lot wrapped up in touch for me too, I’ll cover that one soon I’m sure, for now I’ll leave touch alone because this is already a lot but I’ll just say right here- that lack of touch was something I absolutely contributed to and was not a victim of.
I have always put my needs behind those of others to be liked, I of course have found out the hard way that this doesn’t work. I’m really working towards being more open about my needs, and better at setting boundaries with people but sometimes I fuck that up a bit and fall back on old programs. To wrap this little post up with a bow I think I’ll just say that my marriage is definitely not the only relationship I have lacked authenticity in during my life, it’s just the most intimate one. I would like to say I have forgiven myself for all of this but I’m not entirely certain that’s true, I know I need to forgive myself for it, and I know I was just doing what I thought was best in my life with the tools/awareness I had in the moment but I think this is why I’m doing this all here. Shining a light into my shadows is a part of the forgiveness I need- I have to embrace and show these parts to fully accept them and welcome them back home from their exile.