Hello Clarice……

First day of journaling, I think I’ll start with setting an intention. I have been wanting to write for a while now, I have been wanting to do it so much that I haven’t even started because it feels important so I have been putting it off. Being scared of showing myself has always been a thing for me- it’s easiest to be sure you won’t upset anyone or be off-putting if you just never put yourself fully out there. I am a people-pleaser by nature and as much as I would like to say I’m free from that I’m not here to lie to you- it still matters to me what you think, but I’m trying to give less of a fuck about it. So, here I intend to show myself, I’m not going to dump it all out on the table at once, I’m going to put a little bit out there at a time depending on what feels right, but what comes out will be me at the moment in time it comes out of me. Making my journal public is intentional because I’m trying to fully embrace all of my parts and stop hiding things from the world.

Liminal space is a concept that came to me in the last year, I should credit someone here but I can’t recall who it was that brought it into my awareness. As I understand it liminal space occurs between two places- when you have left someplace so you aren’t there anymore, but aren’t where you are going yet either- you just are, not anchored anywhere, adrift in the liminal space. On some levels I think we all perpetually exist in a liminal space, never actually arriving anywhere, but that’s kind of a new realization and something I’ll explore more another time maybe. I have personally felt like I’ve been in a liminal state for the entire last year- 363 days ago I quit drinking alcohol and left a large part of my identity/ego/life behind. I didn’t really know where I was going, I just knew I couldn’t stay where I was anymore. 332 days ago I also gave up marijuana, another crutch I have used since I was 15 to numb myself into being ok not being ok. Giving up my numbing behaviors was very hard for me, it is still hard for me. It is January 1, 2022 and I just got through the first holiday season sober I have been through in 28 years- holy shit, that is crazy. It was tough too, god I just wanted to check out, but I didn’t. One of the reasons I know I can’t drink anymore is because as I type this I’m drinking my 4th N.A. beer of the day because even without the alcohol the behavior still feels like an old friend to me and I have felt pretty alone this holiday season…. it’s something I’m evaluating. For the last year I have been trying to process feelings/hurt/trauma and just be present to my own existence, sounds simple, but it’s hard. On some levels I don’t even know who I am anymore because I have been breaking down old constructs about who I and others thought I was, but those were never true- I don’t think before this year I have really fully showed myself to anyone. So…. I’m out here in this liminal space, but I’m super proud of myself and the work I’ve done in the last year.

Last night as I spent a sober NYE with some good friends my friend Amber mentioned that she doesn’t like to set intentions through the lens of giving things up, but instead prefers to look at it as what she’s adding. So- for example- last year I chose to add clarity of my mind, heart, body, and spirit. One of the ways I achieved that was by not drinking alcohol and smoking pot. This was not how I framed it at the time but I liked it a lot when she said it so I feel called to write it now and I think I’ll hold on to it as a way of always adding to life, not taking away from it. Some of the other things I did to gain clarity in the last year were adding a daily meditation practice, actively seeking out community, energy work/healing, breathwork, sound baths, ecstatic dance, a couple plant medicine experiences, and just really trying to find my voice. There are forward steps and backward steps but I can honestly say that on average I am happier and more settled in myself than I have ever felt in my entire life, yes I’m counting all of it- I have been uncomfortable in my own skin since at least second grade.

So that’s where I’m coming from. I’m going to try and journal here at least a few times a week and we will see what comes up. Happy New Year!