My broken heart.

Dear B. I have been thinking of you so much lately. God I wish we could have made it work, I’m not over losing you and honestly I don’t think I want to be. If I hadn’t already come back asking to keep trying so many times I would probably be putting this in an email to you and trying to repair again, but I respect and love you too much to try and barge my way back into your heart at this point. So I’ll put what my wishes are here, in my portal into the universe. I want to ask you to take me back, and I know the things I want to do differently, but the truth of it is I need you to do things differently as well and I’m still not convinced you can. I’m open to moving now, I’d be open to us moving somewhere together. I still have a hang up about selling my house for something larger that I could not afford on my own, which is a hedge I suppose, but financial security is really important to me and the idea of getting stuck with a bill for a home I can’t sustain just goes against my judgement. I also still have an issue with you bringing zero equity but becoming an equal partner in what I own- maybe this is my own shit I should work on, but me coming with likely around 100K of equity that I have built and giving you essentially half of that feels really out of balance for me, especially when I know how much time can change a relationship and having lost so much, including some of my belief that this can even work for me when I lost my marriage. Some of the solutions to this that I proposed when you may have lived here would work for me- you renting to own feels appropriate to me, but I know that feels out of alignment for you.

I slept with someone else last week, you need to know that. She is a lovely person, but she is not you. Being in my bed with her cracked open a whole new layer of grief for me that I didn’t know was there so I ended things. I think I did this well, I just told her the truth and she understood. I have been trying to find someone else, someone to love, but the truth is I am already in love with someone so this exercise is really just a way to avoid sitting in the profoundly deep loss I feel after letting go of you. I do still feel a little like you pushed me into a corner with your need to live together immediately and also with my perception that my current home which I have POURED myself in to isn’t enough for you. I think it makes me feel like I am not enough. The resources I have to make a home for us are not enough, the space I have is not enough. I have been trying to make my home a place you could see yourself since first doing that mold test after a very short time dating- because I knew what a special person you are. But I have also been working for the last six years on rebuilding a life that works for me and it has been so hard- I have been into the darkness and now I am there again, but I am safe in my home that I worked so hard for.

I wish we could have had more fun, but I was financially impacted in such a huge way by the mold removal and kitchen remodel, I just needed time to get on my feet again. Now I’m back on my feet without your feet next to mine and that makes me really sad. I still wish we could spend our lives together- that hasn’t changed. I still want you, just you, by my side. I also still believe this can’t happen unless some things shift for you too.

I am so sorry. I’m sorry I got overwhelmed and left you. I’m sorry we arrived at what felt like an impasse and I felt no other option other than to stop torturing ourselves with my being unable to meet exactly what you wanted and needed. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry you thought that doing so didn’t hurt me at all- I assure you that this loss is as deep as any other I have experienced and I ache for you and dream of what could have been every day. I love you so much.