Letters to B.

I think this website is going to just hold love letters to B for a while. I want to reach out to her all the time, it’s obsessive and probably not a great idea, but I need to get the words out. I like the idea of them being here because it feels a little closer to a manifestation/cosmic telegram if it’s out in the world.

Babe- I miss you so much. I have been looking at your instagram several times a day and really been thinking hard about reaching out to you. I feel I can’t, but if you can feel this please know that you can reach out to me- I would welcome it whole-heartedly. Right now I want you back. I’ve had a couple of thoughts of remembering pretty hard places didn’t work- E was definitely one of those. I always had a hard time with how you treated that relationship. In hindsight I have started to feel that it was a manifestation of you not trusting our connection. But truthfully, I have been primarily focused on how much I miss you, how much I hate that you are probably dating other men, how much I still wish it was you and me until the very end. I think at this point, due to the overwhelming amount of longing and idealized thoughts I have been having about us I’m going to focus on the things that I need from you- that feels important.

I wish you had more friends here, if you had a little more support that wasn’t me or your family I feel like that would be really grounding and supportive for you. I often felt like I was the only person you have here and that put a lot of pressure on me. I need to do a better job accepting how some things you said to me early on hurt me much more deeply than I think I let on. When you told me you wanted to sleep with other people very early on, that put a big crack in my sense of safety with you. I don’t feel like you expressing that was a problem, me not sharing how much it hurt was, that’s on me but it’s something we would have to work through to come back together. Your dislike of my house also really cut me deep- I think you actually do know this but I would really hope that we could figure out a way to fix that for me because I still carry it even though I wish I didn’t.

I learned some things about myself in the last week I’d like to share. I have more father-wounding than I was even aware of. I also have a tendency to de-value myself, which of course attracts that quality in others. I feel like you do this too, and I want you to know that you and I both have so much value, neither of us should be doing this! I’m trying to lean into self-love now. I want you back baby, every hour of every day I want you back. I love you so much, and I am so sorry for leaving you. I just didn’t know how to know and I was living in the uncertainty of the future instead of just living in each moment with you. There was of course pressure from you on the future which did invite that behavior, but I should have led us back to the now, and our love, and our bodies and I just didn’t know how. I like to think I could do better this time but I’m not sure.