One step forward…
I’m finding myself in a place I’ve been before. I have never been right here as the person I am now, but I do have some things coming up for me that I’ve definitely been experiencing for a long time. One of the big struggles I’m having in this moment is knowing the difference between programming, and the desire to hide and retreat from a relationship, or if this is in fact my intuition, asking for trust after being ignored for so long. I have been feeling a pull back to numbing behaviors, and also a conflict around whether that is actually bad or not. Must all of life be ingested in full sobriety or is it reasonable to shut things down, relax, numb, and rest. Is wanting a break from struggle and discomfort wrong? I won’t pretend to know the answer, but I do know I spent most of last weekend pretty stoned and avoiding what is going on in my life- which is relationship turbulence with B.
B and I actually broke up over New Years, only for about 24 hours. The second half of last year was pretty rough, I have a few journal entries offline from that time that end with me deciding it’s time for us to part ways, but I can’t seem to do it. I have loved her so much, I keep hoping my heart will come back but it’s not doing it yet. I think I’m really worried she could be the love of my life and then I will let her go because of my damage and lose her forever and regret it. What happened at New Year’s was that after I broke up with her I sat in the house alone and felt the loss, thought maybe I could fix it, and offered my solution- I asked her to try and trust this with me one more time and move in. I thought at the time going all in would provide her with the security I thought she needed and allow her to relax into this relationship more. It didn’t honestly help that much. We have gotten into a cycle that from my perspective has involved her getting upset or needing more from me and speaking out, followed by me withdrawing and putting up walls, which makes her more anxious so she lashes out, which makes me pull back even more, and so on and so on we go. One week ago today I came home from work and told her that this wasn’t working for me, that was awful. We have spent the last week taking some space from each other, and have come back together a couple of times, I feel paralyzed and selfish.
Not all of the last half of the year was rough, we have our moments of amazing love for sure. She is a good lover and has been an incredibly healing person to be in relationship with. I think she is incredibly beautiful, and I admire many things about her. On a lot of levels she is all I have ever wanted, but that’s not totally true, because I find myself now wanting other things. I want space, I want another woman, I want to be able to just sit and numb and not be bothered or pushed to grow- I’m tired of being pushed, I just want to be still. I feel like both of my options are a mistake, and like maybe I’m just dragging out something inevitable, but I’m stuck, I don’t want to lose this…. I think that’s my lesson, I have to let it go. I feel like I do know that, I’m just denying it because I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be on dating apps to meet people again, I don’t want to get to know a new person sexually and go through all the feelings of inadequacy again. I don’t want to fail at love again.
I have noticed this a lot lately too- I focus a lot on what I don’t want, what I want to avoid, but I end up avoiding what I do want. What do I want? That feels like what I need to refocus towards. I want to learn to surf. I want to rest, I want to recover from what has been an exhausting year, I want to take it easy, I want to be excited about life again outside of work. I want to have a healthy relationship with substances, I want to have a healthy relationship with myself. I want to feel good in my body, I want people to feel happy and at ease around me. I want my home to be a place to rest and recharge, without unnecessary conflict. I think I want a break to get back to me, focusing on my own hobbies and interests and rhythm. For today that feels like a conclusion, I want to check back in tomorrow and see if this feels the same- just to make sure I’m not making a mistake.