Trust issues.
I have been here before, this place is familiar, this place where I have run myself into the ground trying to will my spirit into what my mind thinks is best for me. What is this thing? Love, companionship, and affection. But the way I have been doing this just won’t work, because I’m not letting my spirit lead me where I need to go. Instead I block, defer, rationalize, and lie because I think anyone who really knows me will leave me, and when I find someone who wants me I should hold on for dear life. I make bargains and break my trust with myself. A very cool thing about all of the growth I have had in the last three years is that I have actually gained quite a bit more awareness of self- not the thinking looping self who is sure no one else will love me if I let go of this one person who does, I’ve known that guy forever. The awareness I have is of how my body is reacting to someone, where I am out of integrity, what it takes to make me feel whole and grounded. I read a post from about 6 months ago where B and I were in the same place, we have been in this place so long, I’m so tired.
I have never had a better physical relationship, and I have never felt more in my power in the bedroom as with B. I have also never been as desired. Her body is medicine for me, a drug. The time we spent in bed was very connected and amazing, I wanted to lick, suck, and fuck every single part of her, and she gave it all to me, her king. But it wasn’t enough, there was never enough. As I write this I’m connecting a couple of dots and realizing this is how I feel about substances, there is just never enough so I binge and then feel sick. I feel like this is the cycle B and I have been in.
I’m getting right back on the dating wagon though- I am still trying. The growth lies in allowing myself to be fully seen and heard, in staying true to myself- if I can do that I will be in integrity and the real choice of whether or not the next woman wants me will be in her heart. I have to show up as myself and keep this trust in my own intution and knowing intact and supported. Here we go again…