Still not done.

Two days ago I saw B out in the wild- she was walking with her friend at the same place and at the same time she knows I walk every week with my friends. So, it feels safe to say that she wanted to run into me. It is also safe to say that I am glad. I left her a note on her car, a small one, it said “Hi, I hope you are doing good. I think about you every day”. All of this is true. She sent me an email and we had a back and forth and now…. what on earth do I want?

I sure do miss her. It is possible that I won’t hear from her again, but I had been trying to let her go and have immediately slipped back into wanting her back now. I’m trying to remember the hard parts, how I gave her all that I had to give and it still didn’t feel like enough, my friends reminded me of this last night and I am very thankful for it.

I left the conversation with a pretty clear invitation I think, and I haven’t heard back from her. I’m thinking I probably won’t hear from her, my buddy K. thinks I will. I can say that I really do want to hear from her. I want her to say that she just can’t stop wanting me back and that she wants to open her heart to me again. I keep checking my email to see if she has responded, nothing yet.

I would tell her that I’m sorry, because I am. I would tell her that I know my wounding showed up and I ran away and that’s not safe. I would tell her that I have never had a harder time letting go of someone. I would tell her that I have never believed I may have lost my person as much as I do without her. I would explain that my love for her is exactly the thing that has kept me from reaching out all of this time. I would tell her about all of the letters I have written to her. I would tell her what I want to do different. I would tell her that I want us to make space for playing together more consistently, and that I want us to go on a vacation very soon, because we owe that to our relationship. There was just too much pressure.

I would also tell her all about my journey to my new state of being in love of my self and accepting of exactly who I am and where I am. That I love my sensitivity and the gift that it is and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I also know it can be hard sometimes. So, universe, we will see what happens next- I want a partner who is congruent with me and my continued expansion and growth. I don’t know if that’s B.- but maybe it is. Whether it is B or isn’t that is what I want and that is what I invite into my life now and forever.