Witness me.

Holy hell, I have been struggling. My drinking and marijuana usage has gotten out of control again. I think I got drunk every night but two in the last week and as Bilbo Baggins once said- “I feel like butter scraped across too much bread”. I’m going to take October off from drinking, and I’m planning to spend at least a couple days working with some mushrooms. I took 2 grams this morning, right out of bed, and had a beautiful and cathartic experience- so much grief and loss came through, I cried, I sobbed, I wailed, I shook. One of the biggest takeaways was that I need to be witnessed, I need to allow myself to be witnessed, I need to let my friends know I’m having a hard time. I need to stop poisoning myself. I’m so sad and overwhelmed and alone- it’s scary. I have built a castle to keep me safe, and a controlled environment where I can come and rest but I don’t use it to rest and process, I use it to hide and numb- I am diminishing my own essence because I have never felt safe, and I have put so much structure in place to keep myself safe because I had to but now some of that structure is blocking what I need to heal and grow and accept all of myself. I had a clear feeling that my protector part has had to be so vigilant for so long that he doesn’t know how to step down and let my other parts lead- it’s like the little boy inside me just wants to be held, and the protector is telling him there is not time to hold him because he is keeping him safe from outside threats, but little dude just needs to be held and soothed and loved and taken care of, no one can come near because they pose a threat to the system that was put in place to help me get through. It’s strange to me that I have so few memories from my childhood- I have been on edge the whole time, numbing, avoiding, poisoning my own well. My body felt poisoned this morning, I’m so tired and empty. I’m very sad about the loss of another woman who I really wanted to partner with, I really loved B but that is gone now. Another pretty strong feeling I had in the medicine today was that I need a woman to take care of me, I feel that need in my bones. I don’t want to be dependent, but I do just want and need to be cared for and able to receive that care without deflecting and trying to meet some kind of expectation for reciprocation. I feel like I am in a time of loss- B, my dog will be passing soon, my parents are getting really old, I am also getting older. I have the things I need in place, I just need all my parts to feel welcome and integrated, I need to be self-love embodied and walking around and life will rise to meet me. So the work for now is in numbing less, creating more, hiding less, sharing more, giving less, receiving more and being so so kind to all of my parts who have carried me and sustained me so well.