Day 2

I suppose I’ll just dig right in here- I’m already worried about having a public journal.  I was thinking about how I should explore the statement I made in my last post about how I have never really showed myself to anyone and immediately worried about people finding this stuff out- one person in particular, my ex-wife.  I LOVE my ex-wife and I know highlighting the ways I hid my truth from her will hurt her and make me look like a schmuck- this of course really triggers my need to protect myself and not hurt people’s feelings.  But, I suppose that’s all a part of this, so I might as well just use that relationship as an example here since it was one of my biggest betrayals of another person and of myself in my life.

I had doubts about getting married and I did it anyways.  I kept thinking over and over again “maybe if I do/change this, then this will happen/get better”.  I read a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” on my way out of that marriage, I did all that shit.  Covert Contracts- HELLO- I tried to get my needs met by doing things for her without ever really telling her what I needed for YEARS.  I loved my ex and I still do.  I remember putting my needs in the backseat for the whole relationship, not because she ever asked me to, but because I thought she would never love me if she knew who I really was, no one would.  I wanted kids, she didn’t, I thought “ok we will just go on really cool vacations and be in love”- no.  These continued self-betrayals caused me to lose trust in myself and my own intuition and that has been really hard to rebuild, but I’m building now.  

The road to marriage really began with a series of reactions to situations and I never stepped into agency for myself and that hurt a lot of people.  I had asked her dad if he was ok with me asking her to marry me, I feel like I asked him but maybe I just assumed he would keep that to himself, instead he shared it with at least her brother because a day or two later he called me on HER PHONE to ask if I would want to buy the engagement ring he had from a failed proposal and trade it in because he thought he could get more for it that way.  At that point I felt like the whole family knew, because they probably did, and the clock was ticking on the proposal.  Being me I already had the ring and was just waiting to be ready/find the right time, instead I rushed it and asked that next weekend.  Then the planning started and I just kept thinking that once this happens it will be better, once that happens it will be better.  I wasn’t sure about it on my wedding day but didn’t feel like I could say that to anyone, so I didn’t.

I don’t want to make it sound like things were all bad, I still miss her and have even thought before maybe we shouldn’t have gotten divorced- we are super compatible in a lot of ways and she is still a great friend- that’s a reason I’m uncomfortable disclosing this stuff, I don’t want to lose that- that’s actually the reason I didn’t disclose any of this, I’ve always been so scared of losing love/people.  We went on some great trips and had some really great times, remodeled a home together, built a life together, the romance was never there though and I always needed it.  The touching was never there, and I always needed it.  There is a lot wrapped up in touch for me too, I’ll cover that one soon I’m sure, for now I’ll leave touch alone because this is already a lot but I’ll just say right here- that lack of touch was something I absolutely contributed to and was not a victim of. 

I have always put my needs behind those of others to be liked, I of course have found out the hard way that this doesn’t work.  I’m really working towards being more open about my needs, and better at setting boundaries with people but sometimes I fuck that up a bit and fall back on old programs.  To wrap this little post up with a bow I think I’ll just say that my marriage is definitely not the only relationship I have lacked authenticity in during my life, it’s just the most intimate one.  I would like to say I have forgiven myself for all of this but I’m not entirely certain that’s true, I know I need to forgive myself for it, and I know I was just doing what I thought was best in my life with the tools/awareness I had in the moment but I think this is why I’m doing this all here.  Shining a light into my shadows is a part of the forgiveness I need- I have to embrace and show these parts to fully accept them and welcome them back home from their exile.

Hello Clarice……

First day of journaling, I think I’ll start with setting an intention. I have been wanting to write for a while now, I have been wanting to do it so much that I haven’t even started because it feels important so I have been putting it off. Being scared of showing myself has always been a thing for me- it’s easiest to be sure you won’t upset anyone or be off-putting if you just never put yourself fully out there. I am a people-pleaser by nature and as much as I would like to say I’m free from that I’m not here to lie to you- it still matters to me what you think, but I’m trying to give less of a fuck about it. So, here I intend to show myself, I’m not going to dump it all out on the table at once, I’m going to put a little bit out there at a time depending on what feels right, but what comes out will be me at the moment in time it comes out of me. Making my journal public is intentional because I’m trying to fully embrace all of my parts and stop hiding things from the world.

Liminal space is a concept that came to me in the last year, I should credit someone here but I can’t recall who it was that brought it into my awareness. As I understand it liminal space occurs between two places- when you have left someplace so you aren’t there anymore, but aren’t where you are going yet either- you just are, not anchored anywhere, adrift in the liminal space. On some levels I think we all perpetually exist in a liminal space, never actually arriving anywhere, but that’s kind of a new realization and something I’ll explore more another time maybe. I have personally felt like I’ve been in a liminal state for the entire last year- 363 days ago I quit drinking alcohol and left a large part of my identity/ego/life behind. I didn’t really know where I was going, I just knew I couldn’t stay where I was anymore. 332 days ago I also gave up marijuana, another crutch I have used since I was 15 to numb myself into being ok not being ok. Giving up my numbing behaviors was very hard for me, it is still hard for me. It is January 1, 2022 and I just got through the first holiday season sober I have been through in 28 years- holy shit, that is crazy. It was tough too, god I just wanted to check out, but I didn’t. One of the reasons I know I can’t drink anymore is because as I type this I’m drinking my 4th N.A. beer of the day because even without the alcohol the behavior still feels like an old friend to me and I have felt pretty alone this holiday season…. it’s something I’m evaluating. For the last year I have been trying to process feelings/hurt/trauma and just be present to my own existence, sounds simple, but it’s hard. On some levels I don’t even know who I am anymore because I have been breaking down old constructs about who I and others thought I was, but those were never true- I don’t think before this year I have really fully showed myself to anyone. So…. I’m out here in this liminal space, but I’m super proud of myself and the work I’ve done in the last year.

Last night as I spent a sober NYE with some good friends my friend Amber mentioned that she doesn’t like to set intentions through the lens of giving things up, but instead prefers to look at it as what she’s adding. So- for example- last year I chose to add clarity of my mind, heart, body, and spirit. One of the ways I achieved that was by not drinking alcohol and smoking pot. This was not how I framed it at the time but I liked it a lot when she said it so I feel called to write it now and I think I’ll hold on to it as a way of always adding to life, not taking away from it. Some of the other things I did to gain clarity in the last year were adding a daily meditation practice, actively seeking out community, energy work/healing, breathwork, sound baths, ecstatic dance, a couple plant medicine experiences, and just really trying to find my voice. There are forward steps and backward steps but I can honestly say that on average I am happier and more settled in myself than I have ever felt in my entire life, yes I’m counting all of it- I have been uncomfortable in my own skin since at least second grade.

So that’s where I’m coming from. I’m going to try and journal here at least a few times a week and we will see what comes up. Happy New Year!